I don't really know what to say today. It is simply hard to face fears in our lives. Sticking to what we know and what we are comfortable with can make a person feel safe, but facing ones fears is like teatering on a ball on the edge of a cliff. I feel like I am growing, but at the same time it scares me to have to face everything again, the making friends, the establishing who I am in peoples minds and the defining within myself who I am and who I want to be.

Today I spent the day in Tooele with my friend who is my comfort. Then tonight I talked to my other best friend from Tooele and it made me home sick for confort. How easy it is with them. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting new people and making new friends, but Im still in that stage where I feel like I have to make a good impression on people and that I don't want to make any mistakes when I am around them. I can't say taht I wish life were simple, because I love every minute of it! I just wish that there were a pain killer for fear. Here is a list of the things that I am afraid of. Maybe you could relate to some of them?

That people will think that I am too soft
That people will think that I am too hard
that I will never master my weaknesses
that I will become fat
that I will let people down
that I will be living in my ultemate dream and not open my eyes up to see it or appreciate it
that I will never be a leader
that I am not cool enough
that I am not smart enough
that I will get lost in SLC
that I could easily be forgotten
that nobody really wants me to br there and everyone is just being nice
that I have offended someone beyond forgiveness
that I am lazy
that I am addicted to T.V., computer, and over eating

So there you have it, my fear, my negativity, my anxieties. But I don'r want to focus on the negative. I want to think about the things that make me feel powerful and brave.

When I imagine myself teaching others how to better their own lives
when I think of being adored by my husband
when I do something right for a change  :)
When someone responds well to my efforts to help them
when I know that someone loves me for who I am and accepts my bad days
When I feel included
when I am spiritually close to God
when I do the right thing even when It was really hard for me to do it
When I am patient with my kids
when I am wearing clothes that are nice
when I am on top of things
whe I have cleaned up well.

I can be brave and face doen the millions of fears that I face daily when I remember who I am, where I came from and where I hope to be going! :)

So I have been tracking my food habbits and have discovered that my over eating happens mostly when I am STRESSED, feeling yucky, or when I believe that the food will go to waste if someone (meaning me) doesn't eat it. The biggest one of these is my stress of course. So the next question is what are my stress triggers? There seem to be so many of them! I get stressed when I am behind schedule, when I think that someone is going to be upset with me for something, when my kids make a mess, when I have forgotten something, when I have something coming up that I feel I have a responsability for, when I think of something I have said in the past that may or may not have offended them. Whew! is that list long enough?

I have been spending time tonight reading up on ways to deal with stress. Here are the answers: 1) meditate 2) yoga 3)laugh and/or giggle 4) keep a journal. The interesting thing is that all of these things are things that i have loved, or felt were a strength of mine in the past. Somewhere along the path of life I have started to deam these things less important uses of my time, but obviously that has had a negative effect on my life.

Meditation is a powerful thing! I believe that the human being is made up of 3 seperate entities: the intellegence (mind), the soul, and the body. The absolute strongest of these is the intellegence. It is the you that is truly you! It is the part of yourself that you long to have loved unconditionally despite what your body looks like or even how your soul is. It is the part of you that must make the choices between every option of life. That is why I believe that the mind is the most powerful! So, to quote a   song, "Whatever the mind can concieve and believe you will achieve!" I am sure that you have heard other quotes that are similar to this one, but I have found it to be so true in my life!

I have recently been stressing out about my weight and thinking that each day I probably gained a pound or two. I feel all the time that I look bad and my confidence is really suffering! Irronically, I am lighter than I was when I was in college or even the day that I got married. I haven't gained weight even after having my three girls! So what is it that makes me look in the mirror and think bad things? My mental control! This is why I need meditation daily so that I can strengthen my mind and feed myself with possitive perspective. I want to tell myself affirmations that I am the person that I want to be TODAY!

Yoga has been in the past my favorite form of exercise. I truly love it! I can't really explain why I have let that fall other than I let it not be important and let it slip from my priority. I love it because to me it is a prayer. The yogies believe that you cannot pray until you have brought your body into complete submission to your soul. This is done by having supperior mental strength! Exercising all three entities and bringing them closer together with this common goal brings us closer to God. I plan to do this 3 days a week. Now I know that it is not just for my body but every part of me NEEDS it!

Laugh and giggle. As a child I was well known for my happy attitude. I tend to be quite passionate so either I am very happy or I am very upset. Call me dramatic. But in my later years I have noticed that i have been more grumpy than happy. I blame it on responsability. Having so much to be responsible for all the time makes me feel inadequate. What could I do to lighten up? I don't want to do a gils night because I think that my problems will just be waiting for me when I get home anyways, besides I don't want to start associating the outside of my home life as good whereas my home life as negative. How can I start to really start to let loose and have fun at home? Any suggestions?

Keeping a journal is something that I have always done growing up, almost obsessively, but perhaps that is what got me through High School. So why have I stopped? I told myself that I didn't have time. Well now I see that it is journal or bust! I need this thereputic outlet to cope with my feelings. I feel things extremely deep. I think that is sometimes why I find it harder to express my feelings verbally. Ive had moments where I litterally could not speak because I was too emotional. Writing helps me so much! Im the kind of person who writes you a letter and then never gives it to you because once I have written it down I am over it. So it all makes sense and I am going to try to write in this Blog as my journal  as often as possible. :)

Good night, and may your life have less stress in it because you have read this blog.

Yesterday morning, when I was reading the scriptures I realized a new way that I can apply Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac to my own life. Isaac was a son who Abraham had waited and desired so deeply! And even then he was only blessed with one son (from his wife).
I think that when people have to work so hard to be able to have a child they are less likely to take for granted their children. I have never had a hard time getting pregnant. My children are so loved by me, but there are days when I feel that I do take them for granted. When I put them off to do something else, thinking that I will always have time with them later, but there is no guarantee to that!
So how does this all relate? Genesis 22:2 "And He said, 'Take now thy son, thine only son, Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah: and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.'"
If I had only had one child after suffering for years for it then surely I would have loved that child with all that I have to give. I should look at each one of my three girls just that way! If I only had one child, how limited my life would be. HOW BLESSED I am to have love for a child X3! My grandmother, Maurine Startup, used to say, "Happiness is grateful appreciation." Am I showing my Heavenly Father how glad I am that I have so many children to love? I must praise God each day for the blessing of my childrens' lives. Even on days when they are driving me crazy I can be glad that I have a child to drive me crazy, cause so many people don't.
When You Have Something To Love, You Have A Lot.
I need to be happy to serve them. As President Monson advises, "Don't be in a hurry." I need to stop and notice the little joys in life. The other night I needed to go to the store after dark. As I walked to my car I looked up and saw the beautiful dark night sky with clear stars. It made me stop in wonder. Then I realized that it had been 6 months since I had seen the stars. I am always stressing about getting my kids into bed on time that I don't stop to say, "Lets look at the stars tonight!" Sometimes it is the little things that are the most beautiful, it is the little things that are the most important.
The Lord giveth and He taketh away. Sometimes people are asked to sacrifice their children. Not physically of course, but if God takes them, they are expected to bare up their burdens and faithfully let God's will be done. My cousin lost her son, and I remember at the funeral thinking that I was never again going to yell at my kids. I felt how precious time is. Every moment counts! I didn't keep that promise, unfortunately I am human. But I do want to renew within me the hope that I can.
I know that God wants us to be happy in our motherhood. He wants us to be able to see all the little joys and enjoy them to the fullest! Greater love comes from loving more people more completely.
So perhaps for us it is not asked that we sacrifice our children for faith, but rather that we sacrifice ourselves for the faith that God has called us to do amazing work. Everyday a mother sacrifices her social life, her wants, her sleep, her comforts, her past dreams, her body, and her appearance for the children she loves.
So I challenge you to try to add up all the "little" things and add them to the blessings that you count, namely, your children.

Recommitted

Irronically, it has been exactly one year since I have been on here. I want to recommit myself to this blog. Let me explain why I had given up on it. I thought that I had to have it perfect wtih an original template and pictures with every post, but after a year I have learned that Gods words are more important than perfection. Yep, only took me a year. lol

Michael, my husband, gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing a few days ago and it has created such a peaceful Spirit in our home. I feel closer to revelation, and I feel better prepared to do this blog now, so please forgive me if the things that I say aren't perfect, I am only human, but I hope that they inspire everyone!

I believe in change! If you truly believe in Jesus Christ, then you do too. He is the power for all change! See, I have been trying to change for years...honestly, for my whole life. i just think that I have been going about it wrong. Here is an example, when I was in Jr. High and High school I hated to run the mile. I was always almost last to come in and no matter how hard I tried I could not change that! I am prettty athletic looking so to look at me you wouldn't think I was one who would come in so far behind the others.

It wasn't until I was a mother of one that I discovered what I had been doing wrong. My sister in laws were running together and I wanted to be included so taht meant that I had to buckle down and run too. I didn't really look forward to it, but the first time that we started out I bulted like a shot from a gun. I litterally left them in the dust. I can still hear my sister in law, Becky, saying, "Slow down, its not a race!"

It was a totally new concept to me that you can just take it easy and jog! It was strange at first but then I found that I could endure for longer. I could actually run long enough to get the runners high and for the first time ever I realized why a person could actually enjoy running!

My problem all along was that I was giving it litterally 100% in the first stretch and then burning myself out and struggling through the rest of the time. Change is like this in my life. I do the same thing, I go 100% and then I crash a nd burn because of it. There is so much to me that needs to change and if I try to do it all at one time then I wont get far. I need to view change for longevity. Endurance is the name of the game.

So when you find something that you need to change, take it slowly and work into it gradually. You will find the strength that you need through Jesus Christ and through patience with yourself.