To Mak You Feel My Love

My husband and I have a song. It is To Make You Feel My Love. I have heard it made over by many different groups and musicians. No matter who sings it I have a very special feeling in my heart. The whole song seems to make sense to us so much that it is personal, almost as if it was written for us.

One of the lines that has always seemed to me less applicable was the line "I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue, I'd go crawling down the avenue..." While in movies and perhaps teenage drama there are situations where the man is fighting for his woman, it didn't seem to me to be something that we ever faced.

However, I do remember many times in my marriage when my husband gave me all of his support. In each of these moments I felt true unconditional love. Sometimes it was even in times when I had been wrong, but he supported me anyways. So emotionally he really is black and blue.

I love him so much! My husband is my "...warm embrace when the whole world is on my case." I don't care what anyone thinks of me but him. He is the man who I want to win over again and again. He is also my strength when I am week.

Recently I have had a lot of criticism from people and it has caused me a great deal of stress and tears. He has been patient with me, he has been my counselor, he has been my backbone. Like I said in my last post, I don't want to think so much about others thoughts of me but just what my family thinks. They need me so much and here is where I should be, not out "Putting my mark on the world."

I don't want to be like anyone else. I want to be me. I want to be the person God intended me to be. May inspiration always be with me and may I always remember the lessons that I have learned.

Love to my husband!

Truly Precious

There are few things in life that are truly precious. And most of the time they are the things we already have right there in front of us. Like the love of a good man or the hand of a brand new baby wrapped around your finger.

I started this blog years ago on a moment of inspiration. I felt that I was to use it to help lift others. I felt that I was to  brighten others with light and encouragement and inspiration. I look back and see that I have let a lot of things get in the way of that. I think that happens a lot to us. When something is the right thing to do we get tempted away from that and chase unworthy goals instead of remembering what is really important.

I have been so prideful. I have been chasing honor and recognition and praise from the wrong things instead of seeing the things that are most precious and pure. Motherhood is a literal gift from God and I have a good and honest husband who helps me and supports me more than I can ever fully appreciate. Why do I chase these other things?

I understand more clearly when Lehi was talking about in the Vision of the Tree of Life. That joy, that exquisite joy is the love you feel and give within your family. Tonight I am reminded of the perfectness of that joy and I wish with all my heart that I had not looked any further than the walls of my own home for the praise that I was seeking.

Here within my home everyone loves me unconditionally, and I need that because I make so many mistakes and foolish choices, probably daily. These girls of mine admire me and watch me. They want to be like me, and someday they will be, whether I am good or not. So I really better be good!

How can I remember this the next time that I am tempted? I feel like the world is bombarding me constantly with ideas and persuasions that say that being submissive is wrong, or that staying home is boring. I have been told that being "just" a mom causes a woman to lose her identity. But right now I and in similar moments of clarity which I have had, I see that when I am competing in the world that is when I am the most lost on what my identity is.

When I am home I know that I am a mother. I know that my children need me. They need me in every way, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. When I am home I know that I'm the right kind of wife for my husband. In precious moments I know that I am everything that he has ever wanted and that truest me is all that he love to his very soul. He forgives me when I loose sight of my precious role and look to the world for my praise. He is there to welcome me back with love and acceptance after I have hung my head in shame because of the mocking fingers of those who are in the great and spacious building, then wandering away from the fruit that I have known.

Ladies, see yourselves for who you are in God's eyes. See how precious your life is right there in your homes. You are a precious daughter, your relationship with your husband is precious and your little ones are exceedingly precious.

I don't really know what to say today. It is simply hard to face fears in our lives. Sticking to what we know and what we are comfortable with can make a person feel safe, but facing ones fears is like teatering on a ball on the edge of a cliff. I feel like I am growing, but at the same time it scares me to have to face everything again, the making friends, the establishing who I am in peoples minds and the defining within myself who I am and who I want to be.

Today I spent the day in Tooele with my friend who is my comfort. Then tonight I talked to my other best friend from Tooele and it made me home sick for confort. How easy it is with them. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting new people and making new friends, but Im still in that stage where I feel like I have to make a good impression on people and that I don't want to make any mistakes when I am around them. I can't say taht I wish life were simple, because I love every minute of it! I just wish that there were a pain killer for fear. Here is a list of the things that I am afraid of. Maybe you could relate to some of them?

That people will think that I am too soft
That people will think that I am too hard
that I will never master my weaknesses
that I will become fat
that I will let people down
that I will be living in my ultemate dream and not open my eyes up to see it or appreciate it
that I will never be a leader
that I am not cool enough
that I am not smart enough
that I will get lost in SLC
that I could easily be forgotten
that nobody really wants me to br there and everyone is just being nice
that I have offended someone beyond forgiveness
that I am lazy
that I am addicted to T.V., computer, and over eating

So there you have it, my fear, my negativity, my anxieties. But I don'r want to focus on the negative. I want to think about the things that make me feel powerful and brave.

When I imagine myself teaching others how to better their own lives
when I think of being adored by my husband
when I do something right for a change  :)
When someone responds well to my efforts to help them
when I know that someone loves me for who I am and accepts my bad days
When I feel included
when I am spiritually close to God
when I do the right thing even when It was really hard for me to do it
When I am patient with my kids
when I am wearing clothes that are nice
when I am on top of things
whe I have cleaned up well.

I can be brave and face doen the millions of fears that I face daily when I remember who I am, where I came from and where I hope to be going! :)

So I have been tracking my food habbits and have discovered that my over eating happens mostly when I am STRESSED, feeling yucky, or when I believe that the food will go to waste if someone (meaning me) doesn't eat it. The biggest one of these is my stress of course. So the next question is what are my stress triggers? There seem to be so many of them! I get stressed when I am behind schedule, when I think that someone is going to be upset with me for something, when my kids make a mess, when I have forgotten something, when I have something coming up that I feel I have a responsability for, when I think of something I have said in the past that may or may not have offended them. Whew! is that list long enough?

I have been spending time tonight reading up on ways to deal with stress. Here are the answers: 1) meditate 2) yoga 3)laugh and/or giggle 4) keep a journal. The interesting thing is that all of these things are things that i have loved, or felt were a strength of mine in the past. Somewhere along the path of life I have started to deam these things less important uses of my time, but obviously that has had a negative effect on my life.

Meditation is a powerful thing! I believe that the human being is made up of 3 seperate entities: the intellegence (mind), the soul, and the body. The absolute strongest of these is the intellegence. It is the you that is truly you! It is the part of yourself that you long to have loved unconditionally despite what your body looks like or even how your soul is. It is the part of you that must make the choices between every option of life. That is why I believe that the mind is the most powerful! So, to quote a   song, "Whatever the mind can concieve and believe you will achieve!" I am sure that you have heard other quotes that are similar to this one, but I have found it to be so true in my life!

I have recently been stressing out about my weight and thinking that each day I probably gained a pound or two. I feel all the time that I look bad and my confidence is really suffering! Irronically, I am lighter than I was when I was in college or even the day that I got married. I haven't gained weight even after having my three girls! So what is it that makes me look in the mirror and think bad things? My mental control! This is why I need meditation daily so that I can strengthen my mind and feed myself with possitive perspective. I want to tell myself affirmations that I am the person that I want to be TODAY!

Yoga has been in the past my favorite form of exercise. I truly love it! I can't really explain why I have let that fall other than I let it not be important and let it slip from my priority. I love it because to me it is a prayer. The yogies believe that you cannot pray until you have brought your body into complete submission to your soul. This is done by having supperior mental strength! Exercising all three entities and bringing them closer together with this common goal brings us closer to God. I plan to do this 3 days a week. Now I know that it is not just for my body but every part of me NEEDS it!

Laugh and giggle. As a child I was well known for my happy attitude. I tend to be quite passionate so either I am very happy or I am very upset. Call me dramatic. But in my later years I have noticed that i have been more grumpy than happy. I blame it on responsability. Having so much to be responsible for all the time makes me feel inadequate. What could I do to lighten up? I don't want to do a gils night because I think that my problems will just be waiting for me when I get home anyways, besides I don't want to start associating the outside of my home life as good whereas my home life as negative. How can I start to really start to let loose and have fun at home? Any suggestions?

Keeping a journal is something that I have always done growing up, almost obsessively, but perhaps that is what got me through High School. So why have I stopped? I told myself that I didn't have time. Well now I see that it is journal or bust! I need this thereputic outlet to cope with my feelings. I feel things extremely deep. I think that is sometimes why I find it harder to express my feelings verbally. Ive had moments where I litterally could not speak because I was too emotional. Writing helps me so much! Im the kind of person who writes you a letter and then never gives it to you because once I have written it down I am over it. So it all makes sense and I am going to try to write in this Blog as my journal  as often as possible. :)

Good night, and may your life have less stress in it because you have read this blog.

Yesterday morning, when I was reading the scriptures I realized a new way that I can apply Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac to my own life. Isaac was a son who Abraham had waited and desired so deeply! And even then he was only blessed with one son (from his wife).
I think that when people have to work so hard to be able to have a child they are less likely to take for granted their children. I have never had a hard time getting pregnant. My children are so loved by me, but there are days when I feel that I do take them for granted. When I put them off to do something else, thinking that I will always have time with them later, but there is no guarantee to that!
So how does this all relate? Genesis 22:2 "And He said, 'Take now thy son, thine only son, Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah: and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.'"
If I had only had one child after suffering for years for it then surely I would have loved that child with all that I have to give. I should look at each one of my three girls just that way! If I only had one child, how limited my life would be. HOW BLESSED I am to have love for a child X3! My grandmother, Maurine Startup, used to say, "Happiness is grateful appreciation." Am I showing my Heavenly Father how glad I am that I have so many children to love? I must praise God each day for the blessing of my childrens' lives. Even on days when they are driving me crazy I can be glad that I have a child to drive me crazy, cause so many people don't.
When You Have Something To Love, You Have A Lot.
I need to be happy to serve them. As President Monson advises, "Don't be in a hurry." I need to stop and notice the little joys in life. The other night I needed to go to the store after dark. As I walked to my car I looked up and saw the beautiful dark night sky with clear stars. It made me stop in wonder. Then I realized that it had been 6 months since I had seen the stars. I am always stressing about getting my kids into bed on time that I don't stop to say, "Lets look at the stars tonight!" Sometimes it is the little things that are the most beautiful, it is the little things that are the most important.
The Lord giveth and He taketh away. Sometimes people are asked to sacrifice their children. Not physically of course, but if God takes them, they are expected to bare up their burdens and faithfully let God's will be done. My cousin lost her son, and I remember at the funeral thinking that I was never again going to yell at my kids. I felt how precious time is. Every moment counts! I didn't keep that promise, unfortunately I am human. But I do want to renew within me the hope that I can.
I know that God wants us to be happy in our motherhood. He wants us to be able to see all the little joys and enjoy them to the fullest! Greater love comes from loving more people more completely.
So perhaps for us it is not asked that we sacrifice our children for faith, but rather that we sacrifice ourselves for the faith that God has called us to do amazing work. Everyday a mother sacrifices her social life, her wants, her sleep, her comforts, her past dreams, her body, and her appearance for the children she loves.
So I challenge you to try to add up all the "little" things and add them to the blessings that you count, namely, your children.

Recommitted

Irronically, it has been exactly one year since I have been on here. I want to recommit myself to this blog. Let me explain why I had given up on it. I thought that I had to have it perfect wtih an original template and pictures with every post, but after a year I have learned that Gods words are more important than perfection. Yep, only took me a year. lol

Michael, my husband, gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing a few days ago and it has created such a peaceful Spirit in our home. I feel closer to revelation, and I feel better prepared to do this blog now, so please forgive me if the things that I say aren't perfect, I am only human, but I hope that they inspire everyone!

I believe in change! If you truly believe in Jesus Christ, then you do too. He is the power for all change! See, I have been trying to change for years...honestly, for my whole life. i just think that I have been going about it wrong. Here is an example, when I was in Jr. High and High school I hated to run the mile. I was always almost last to come in and no matter how hard I tried I could not change that! I am prettty athletic looking so to look at me you wouldn't think I was one who would come in so far behind the others.

It wasn't until I was a mother of one that I discovered what I had been doing wrong. My sister in laws were running together and I wanted to be included so taht meant that I had to buckle down and run too. I didn't really look forward to it, but the first time that we started out I bulted like a shot from a gun. I litterally left them in the dust. I can still hear my sister in law, Becky, saying, "Slow down, its not a race!"

It was a totally new concept to me that you can just take it easy and jog! It was strange at first but then I found that I could endure for longer. I could actually run long enough to get the runners high and for the first time ever I realized why a person could actually enjoy running!

My problem all along was that I was giving it litterally 100% in the first stretch and then burning myself out and struggling through the rest of the time. Change is like this in my life. I do the same thing, I go 100% and then I crash a nd burn because of it. There is so much to me that needs to change and if I try to do it all at one time then I wont get far. I need to view change for longevity. Endurance is the name of the game.

So when you find something that you need to change, take it slowly and work into it gradually. You will find the strength that you need through Jesus Christ and through patience with yourself.

Divine Value

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

--Nelson Mandela, Inaugural Speech, 1994

This is my all time favorite quote! It goes quite nicely with the topic for

Month 1: Week 2

When Jesus Christ went into the wilderness to fast it was right after He was baptized and had received a confirmation of the Spirit (in the form of a dove) that He was in fact, THE Son of God. He knew that He was the Messiah!

After fasting FORTY days He is tempted by Satan. James E Talmage tells us in his book Jesus the Christ that Satan's temptation was not in the act of making stone into bread, which He could have easily done, but in the IF. "...If thou be the Son of God.." Satan's temptation from beginning to end is a taunt to try to make Jesus believe that He was not Divinity.

Jesus knew and did not doubt the Spiritual confirmation which He had received. He knew that He had the power of God and didn't need to prove that by shrinking to ridiculous "signs."

Satan doesn't want us to remember that we are children of God and as such, have the opportunity to be crowned with His glory in the hereafter. That is why Satan is always trying to convince us that we are small, insignificant, and hopeless. We have a great work to do in this life and in the one to come. The only way to stop us is to convince us that we are not worthy.

The point of life is not to be perfect, the point of life is to make mistakes.

As we learn to realize that we are deserving of Christ's atonement, we learn to see ourselves as He sees us, at our full Spiritual potential.

This week, I am not going to let my insecurities get the better of me. I'm not going to worry about what other people are thinking about me. I am going to be ME to the fullest. I am going to give all that i have to give to the world. I hope that you will be able to do the same!